How I Fail in Emergency Situations

JMFJT and I went to my father's place in the Berkshires to enjoy a hot weekend. It was stifilingly hot in ALB so this was a "no brainer". It was also the suggestion of ECS.

On Saturday, we drank beer*, ate food and relaxed, with the plan being that we would go kayaking Sunday morning. It was amazing.

Sunday, we got up early and got in the water (after a healthy breakfast). We kayaked for two hours on what was a beautiful day. The water was clear, the sky was blue, and the sun was high in the sky, and I had great company.






As the afternoon came upon us, the wind came up and kayaking became more strenious and less...fun. We headed back to my dad's place and enjoyed the sun. I went into the house, got us a couple of beers, and we were relaxing. After about three sips of her beer, JMFJT was starting to feel awful. She was sweating but it was a cold sweat. She needed to lay down. I we tried to negoiate the twelve steps between the back yard and inside the house, she sat down in the middle of the deck. (Had I known a little bit of her medical history, none of the following would have happened...well some of it would...but...you'll see...) I do wish that I had the gift of language to describe the position she was sitting in but it was comical. That being said, I was afriad to laugh. I was afraid she may die and then what am I going to do? Me with a dead girl in the Berkshires?!? Yeah, I would be doing time for that.

At this point, JMFJT mumbles something inaudible (which was supposed to be "Don't call anyone") and lays down. Being concerned that she was...well...going to come back as a zombie and eat me (this is Lovecraft country after all), I try to get her back to a sitting position. This was the wrong thing to do as she promptly passes out again. Eyes rolled in the back of her head passed out. Me thinking that she is seizing passed out. The very real possibility of having a DEAD GIRL IN A HOUSE I DON'T OWN IN A STATE THAT I DON'T LIVE IN. She then started to choke. I lifted her up and got her head between her knees so she didn't pull a Mama Cass and I was sitting behind her, propping her up and praying. That's when she starts to fart. On me. The almost dead choking girl was farting on me.

The next door neighbor sees that something is going on and I ask him to call 9-1-1. (This was also a mistake) As the neighbor is on the phone, she starts coming to.

Her first question: "Am I fucking drooling?"

Yes, yes she was.

I got her a water, and heard the sirens.

As it is on a private road, I went to the front of the house to grab the EMTs (after putting the dog in the house and checking on JMFJT). When I left, she was sitting on the ground, slightly dazed but okay.

This is not how she was when I returned with the fireman who was the first responder.

She was sitting on one of the high deck chairs, with her Yankees hat and sunglasses on, and greeted the fireman with a cheerful, "Hi. How are you?"

She ended up being fine, as well as being awesome when it came to knowing her own blood pressure, and I felt awful for calling the EMTs but...dead girl, Berkshires, and either being eaten by a zombie or going to the House of Corrections. (As an apropos of nothing, the reason Marky Mark got so big so quickly was because he was going to do time in the House of Corrections and he didn't want to be traded for a pack of cigarettes. Good vibrations indeed. However, it is easy to get big quick at 17. Not so much at 36.)

Luckily, we can laugh about it. And...

She farted first in front of me.

*It was not only beer. I introduced JMFJT to the beverage that is known as the "Rum and Coke". This very well may be her downfall, as they are tasty and go down too well for anyone. JMFJT is traditionally a Coors' Light drinker. To paraphrase Ron Burgundy,"(Rum) was a bad choice."