The Only Things That's Real

Reasons to love Albany

Look at this poster!




Stopping the sag is apparently Senator Adams biggest concern at this point. Not that NY is a hot mess...just the sag.

Now this one...



Is that not the worst collection of wall paper?!?

Can I tell you how much I love this city?

What would you sing?

Apparently I am going to be headed to a fundraiser tomorrow night at a VFW in a county that scares me a little (lack of book stores, more guns than people, et cetera) and it is for American Service Vets. Yes, this is because of JMFJT.

It is also a karaoke event...

So, being the pain in the ass that I am, what songs should I not sing ?

"Fortunate Son" is the one that pops into my head as a "no-no".

Anyone else have ideas for what I should avoid?

Two Things

(NB: These are both about political topics...so...you can skip it if you want.)

Firstly: "Vote Them Out"

I am all in favor of those using their franchise to vote what they believe even when I disagree with their choices. (See popular referendums that deny civil rights protections to those who do not have them) but I find the vote them out movement to be silly.

Yes, everyone has the right to be angry, and many of our public servants have failed us. Some of these people are venal sub-humans only concerned with their personal power but...not all of them.

Two of the men listed on the poster that I have seen around here are not only good people but wonderful public servants and New York State is a better place because of their service. They do not deserve to lose their jobs, and their right to serve, based on the fear and ignorance that is being drummed up by "people" like Glenn Beck.

Secondly: Where does a person shop these days?

There has been a continuing boycott of Target and Best Buy (two Minnesota based companies that donated money to a PAC that is supporting a candidate who is...frankly...a bigot) and while it has not impacted my life in any noticable way, it has caused some issues. There is a place for these big box stores and they do full some of the need in my life, so, if two of the major ones are off limits, where do I shop? What is the local equivelent of Target or Best Buy?

Would it make me a hypocrite if I ignored the boycott?

How many others are honoring it?

Happy Birthday!

Fifty years ago, Hugh Grant was born.

One hundred and twenty years ago, that KFC guy was born.

But the most important birthdate that falls on September 9th only happened eight years ago.

Yes, it is TEA's birthday.



He challenges me, makes me laugh, makes me smile, and because of him...my life is a much better place.

Happy Birthday, Buddy!

I love you!

Oh, Hey! It was my birthday...

Last Friday, it was my 36th birthday.

It did end up being a good day, with very special thanks to the people who showed up at Wolff's to celebrate. It was grand.

That is not how it started out though.

I try to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity at least once a week, sometimes more often, for purely selfish reasons.*

It started out well enough. I had a great bike ride to the ReStore (454 North Pearl Street in Albany, if you are wondering) and Teacher Dave and I were ready to hit the road early because we had something like eight pickups with the first one in Wilton. As a note, Teacher Dave tries to avoid the highway because they are not pretty and this was a holiday weekend, but for expedience, he decided that the Northway was the way to go. As Gob says, "I made a horrible mistake."



As soon as we pass into Clifton Park, the light for the truck inspection prompts us to stand and deliver. I have never been through this before. Teacher Dave had never been through this. Guess what? We were both concerned.

Firstly, we got on the road early to ensure that we could be back by three pm so I could commence drinking.

Secondly, this inspection was going to make us late for the first pickup.

Finally, I am often frightened by the capriciousness of officers of the law. Which is not to say that I think all law enforcement officals are bad people. Quite the contrary. Many, if not most, are dedicated public servants who work hard and are both fair and consistent, which is a difficult balancing act. Luckily, our inspector was one of the many great ones.

Teacher Dave handed over the requested documentation and we sat. And we sat. And we sat.

And we sat.

(In the alternative Bible that my life story will become, "He.sat." will be the shortest verse.)

Then the inspection began.

If I ever hear the phrase broken leaf spring again, I may be forced to make it a hostage situation.

While Teacher Dave was trying to figure out to do with a truck that, by law, was not allowed on the road...



I sat.

In a rest stop.

In Clifton Park.

ON MY BIRTHDAY!

Now, I know some of you live, have lived, or are considering living in Clifton Park, and I still think that you are all good people but...this is not the place for me. Being trapped in a rest stop on Interstate 87 with no real way of getting back to the ALB and the German beer that was waiting for me was...scary. Well, not scary as tempting me to take Mister Hand and turn him into Mister Fist.



(While I was not a happy camper, I did take the time to look at the fashion choices of those around me, and it made me happier. At least I was not...that guy.)

Eventually, Teacher Dave and I were rescued by Emily and her sister (who was volunteering for the day as well) and we decided to get lunch at someplace on Rt 9.

Let me ask you all a question, if you are in a car with a group of people and someone says that there is a diner down the road; is that an implicit endorsement of the establishmetn or an acknowledgement of the diner's existence?

It was, by far, the worst dining experience that I have ever had. How bad was it? They screwed up a Kosher Dill Pickle. The screwed up a grilled cheese. This is how awful it was. They murdered a BLT. A BLT, folks!

With what happened later in the evening at the Hill Street Cafe (which I am not going to share here), it could have been the worst birthday ever.

It wasn't though.

It was awesome.
*These include but are not limited to: hanging out with Teacher Dave, working out without having to work out, and a sense of smug superiority with those who preach about investment in the community however fail to do anything.

How I Fail in Emergency Situations

JMFJT and I went to my father's place in the Berkshires to enjoy a hot weekend. It was stifilingly hot in ALB so this was a "no brainer". It was also the suggestion of ECS.

On Saturday, we drank beer*, ate food and relaxed, with the plan being that we would go kayaking Sunday morning. It was amazing.

Sunday, we got up early and got in the water (after a healthy breakfast). We kayaked for two hours on what was a beautiful day. The water was clear, the sky was blue, and the sun was high in the sky, and I had great company.






As the afternoon came upon us, the wind came up and kayaking became more strenious and less...fun. We headed back to my dad's place and enjoyed the sun. I went into the house, got us a couple of beers, and we were relaxing. After about three sips of her beer, JMFJT was starting to feel awful. She was sweating but it was a cold sweat. She needed to lay down. I we tried to negoiate the twelve steps between the back yard and inside the house, she sat down in the middle of the deck. (Had I known a little bit of her medical history, none of the following would have happened...well some of it would...but...you'll see...) I do wish that I had the gift of language to describe the position she was sitting in but it was comical. That being said, I was afriad to laugh. I was afraid she may die and then what am I going to do? Me with a dead girl in the Berkshires?!? Yeah, I would be doing time for that.

At this point, JMFJT mumbles something inaudible (which was supposed to be "Don't call anyone") and lays down. Being concerned that she was...well...going to come back as a zombie and eat me (this is Lovecraft country after all), I try to get her back to a sitting position. This was the wrong thing to do as she promptly passes out again. Eyes rolled in the back of her head passed out. Me thinking that she is seizing passed out. The very real possibility of having a DEAD GIRL IN A HOUSE I DON'T OWN IN A STATE THAT I DON'T LIVE IN. She then started to choke. I lifted her up and got her head between her knees so she didn't pull a Mama Cass and I was sitting behind her, propping her up and praying. That's when she starts to fart. On me. The almost dead choking girl was farting on me.

The next door neighbor sees that something is going on and I ask him to call 9-1-1. (This was also a mistake) As the neighbor is on the phone, she starts coming to.

Her first question: "Am I fucking drooling?"

Yes, yes she was.

I got her a water, and heard the sirens.

As it is on a private road, I went to the front of the house to grab the EMTs (after putting the dog in the house and checking on JMFJT). When I left, she was sitting on the ground, slightly dazed but okay.

This is not how she was when I returned with the fireman who was the first responder.

She was sitting on one of the high deck chairs, with her Yankees hat and sunglasses on, and greeted the fireman with a cheerful, "Hi. How are you?"

She ended up being fine, as well as being awesome when it came to knowing her own blood pressure, and I felt awful for calling the EMTs but...dead girl, Berkshires, and either being eaten by a zombie or going to the House of Corrections. (As an apropos of nothing, the reason Marky Mark got so big so quickly was because he was going to do time in the House of Corrections and he didn't want to be traded for a pack of cigarettes. Good vibrations indeed. However, it is easy to get big quick at 17. Not so much at 36.)

Luckily, we can laugh about it. And...

She farted first in front of me.

*It was not only beer. I introduced JMFJT to the beverage that is known as the "Rum and Coke". This very well may be her downfall, as they are tasty and go down too well for anyone. JMFJT is traditionally a Coors' Light drinker. To paraphrase Ron Burgundy,"(Rum) was a bad choice."

From the dating files

The weekend previous to my birthday, I had a craptacular Thursday night.

To be honest, it started off well. I made a decent dinner for myself and I was home watching one of my favorite bad films. (For those following along at home, it was "Sliding Doors".)

Around 9:30, I heard a knock on the door that terrified me, and it was someone that I haven't spoken to in a year who came over to tell me basically that I was pathetic, and yes, she may have been correct, and yes, I may have believed her.

Anyway, the following day, I wanted to spend the afternoon at Wolff's with some friends, and I texted or e-mails a number of people. ECS, Johnny B., and JMFJT were the ones that showed up. We drank beer. It was good.

Now, let me tell you some background on JMFJT (as most of you have read about ECS and Johnny B). I met JMFJT at the beginning of the summer and there was a spark there. She is tall, smart, and stunning. She also is snarkier than I am and drinks well. It is like the Flying Spagetti Monster made someone for me using His Noodley Appendages to craft someone perfect. So, why didn't I ask her out then and there?

Let's just say that there were some complications, and as Lemon, Fish, PVH1976, ECS & Squiggles know, I struggled with it. Ultimately deciding that while she was wonderful, I did not deserve someone that wonderful. "Why?", you ask. Because...I know that I suck...plus...complications.

So, back to the weekend before last...

I wanted to go out, surround myself with friends, and drink German beer because I may have been pathetic.

I send out the text and I hear back from JMFJT who asked if I sent the text to the correct person. Joy. This was not looking well. I assured her that yes, I was inviting her. There was an incident from the week before where I told someone something about JMFJT and when she found out about it, she was upset with the person but not with me, yet I felt like a bad person. See above. I know that I suck

Fast forward to 4:30. ECS is there already and JMFJT shows up. I am recounting the beginning of the story about the night before when I was confronted with my patheticness, and JMFJT offers her opinion. (JMFJT is incapable of not sharing her opinion if she has one, and it is one of her many great qualities.) Mostly that the woman from the night before was insane. We have beer, Johnny B. shows up, we have more beer. ECS has to leave. Johnny B. gets called into work, and JMFJT and I decide to go to the Lionheart. We talked, and laughed, and had a great time.

We are having such a great time that I do not want it to end.

And that's when karaoke sounded like a good idea.

The issue with this is that I am covered in fiberglass and dust from Habitat and I need a shower. JMFJT offers a solution that works (going to her place and me showering there while she gets ready so we can kick ass) and we drive down to my house. Well, she drives, because the idea of me behind the wheel of a car after that much beer is shockingly horrible.

As she is parking, she starts talking to me about questions that she had every right to have answered but...because I am pathetic...and because she looked so wonderful...I shut her up.

And that is the story of our first kiss.